School days were great. I still remember going to school, sitting in the front row, hoping the teacher would end the class in seconds. The long and boring lectures lasting for eternity is something that everybody disliked as a kid. Brutal was the second half, on one side you wait for the day to get off and on the other side lectures would send you to coma. The memories are mesmerizing now. Every now and then, as I struggle to concentrate on my teaching job, I sometimes slip into this whirlpool of my childhood dreams. Those everlasting classes, the long queues, that blue uniform, the noise and running at the end of the gate. Who can’t envy that?
When I was in my last year of school, I met him. The boy who changed it all. He was everything I ever wanted. And when he proposed, though I refused but I knew that was it. It was him who can be. I knew that I liked him and I wanted him but I was afraid, afraid to say yes. Afraid that my cousin who studied in the same school would know about him. That my cousin would tell my family.
As a teenager you fear a lot, you care a lot which fades once you grow up. Teenage is a crazy ride, the high tides of adrenaline don’t let you think, and you fly. I was ready to take the risk, as someone said “Love is blind” and for a 17 yr. old girl it was everything. I did not feel butterflies in my stomach as most of the girls claim to have witnessed. Days went like hours with him. He was with me and me with him. We were together.As the school passed, we started going out. I still don’t know what he felt but for me this boy was everything. I couldn’t bear a day without his presence, he woke me up from my sleep.
One day he asked me that he wanted to kiss me and I did not refuse though I was not ready for it. I had never thought about it but I could not resist his touch on my adolescent lips, his grasp on my bosom, my heart drowning in his face. He would be there ‘’ he said and I trusted. I trusted more than anything and I loved him more than my own self.
Two years had passed and I hardly did the count. They say “when you’re in love, time flies” so it did. I had shifted my room downstairs leaving my previous room to my younger brother. It was more convenient for him to come. Sometimes he would sneak in my room and we would spend the night together. Slowly, it became a routine for us.
I did not feel a little guilt about it. I wanted him bad and I wanted him all in me. I had never thought that I was nothing but an object for him. Slowly he stopped calling in the day and would usually call in the night. He said “he’s busy these days”.
At night he would talk about his desires, what he wanted to do with me and what I wanted him to do with me. It went for hours. He would hang up the call as soon as the enjoyment was over. I would satisfy my heart that he might be falling asleep. At times he would come to my room and I would satisfy his every desire. One night at midnight, he went to the washroom out of my room, while coming back he was spotted by my Mom in the corridor going to my room. He managed to jump from my room.
My parents came to know about it. Things changed. I was grounded, not allowed outside. My Mom slept in my room. Nobody talked with me. I would often spend the day near the window. I could not watch TV in the Lobby, everybody disliked me. Unfortunately I had let them down. I still have him I thought. One day I asked my friend to make a call to him. Few days later, he called “ I was happy. My baby was talking”. I did not care about anything else.
I told him that if we could meet. He was not ready. He was getting a job, moving to another city with his parents. What about me? What do I do? I gave everything for him?. He was leaving me alone. But he was sorry? Huh! Sorry. I felt dismayed and disgusted that I let down my parents down but I still wanted him.
I don’t know what to call me “Stupid or an Ass”. But it was me. I wanted to hug him, to feel him, to have him with me again. I wanted to see him again. He said he was leaving tonight. I urged him to stop, to wait for a while, I asked him “What did I do”?
He told me he wanted some time alone. “Alone” who was I then? Slut? Whore?
Who was used and thrown away? He did not respond. He was silent. I was silent. I did not cry. Why should I cry in front of him?
I had allowed him to use me. I was responsible. I ignored him when i came to know that he went out with other girls that he drank with them, that he slept with them. I assumed they were all lies. Fabrication and distortion. Many a times I had spotted him with girls but I would look to the other side.
I felt so pity on myself. I knew I was such a fool, in fact I knew from the beginning that he was not going to be with me forever. Leaving him struck like a bow in the heart, that night was dead. I did not eat, I did not sleep. That bastard turned out to be a bastard again.
Love wasn’t blind. I was blind. Couple of months after, I joined classes in Pune. I restrained from boys and minded my studies. I graduated from Pune and did my masters. After 2 years my job was fixed with a local college in Mumbai, I taught there.
I had forgotten my past. I had no boyfriend and was happy. One day in the corridor I saw him again. He was a student with bags and notebooks. I was awestruck. He gave me Goosebumps. I learnt that he never completed his education and wasted his years in partying and girls. I was happy but sad. I never wanted something bad for him. He looked at me in the class, as if he wanted to say sorry.
Deep in my heart, I still had that desperation for him. I wanted him. What to say? He deserved a chance again. So I could not help but to be with him again. Call me whatever you want but love is blind and I had no eyes. We started our life again in a different way.Hardly anything changed for him.
He just wanted me to quench his fleshy desire and I wanted his love. I wanted to see him again and again. One day I saw him going into an internet café, I followed. As soon as I entered the café, he had vanished in a slender cabin. I barged into that cabin, a young girl sat on his lap, her top removed and he buried his head in her navel and hands between her legs.
I instantly slapped him, the sound of the slap made the mirrors break, his cheeks went red and then the young girl cried “Cuck-Cuck-Koo Cuck-Cuck-Koo, Cuck-Cuck-Koo” and I said what.
She went again” Cuck-Cuck-Koo, Cuck-Cuck-Koo, Cuck-Cuck-Koo” and I woke up.
The alarm clock singing and the aroma from my mom’s tea filled the room.It was “adrak wali chai”. I looked in the mirror, I was 17 yr old in my home. I ran outside to see my mom, she was busy in preparing the breakfast. She saw me and scolded “You’re grown up now. Don’t walk around naked. What if somebody sees you like this”. I had forgotten to put a top. I went inside. I was happy.
This was all a bad dream. But then I came across a decorated card which read “I love you” it was him. Villain of recent dream. We became closer, he loved me. He was my prince but then one day he asked me that he wanted to kiss me and I did not refuse though I was not ready for it. I had never thought about it but I could not resist his touch on my adolescent lips, his grasp on my bosom, my heart drowning in his face.
He would be there ‘’ he said and I trusted. I trusted more than anything and I loved him more than my own self. Two years had passed and I hardly did the count. They say “when you’re in love, time flies” so it did. I had shifted my room downstairs leaving my previous room to my younger brother. It was more convenient for him to come. Sometimes he would sneak in my room and we would spend the night together. Slowly, it became a routine for us. I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t want to wake up and I don’t want to sleep. I’ve lost track of time, differentiation between dream and reality.
That boy is real or a fiction? If this is a dream then you’re a dream too. The whole is a fiction and I will wake up again to write to you again. So that I can sleep to wake up again. Am I sleeping in my sleep? I don’t know. If you’re real then what am I? I don’t know. Send me this letter if I’m not dreaming or I will write again in my sleep. I am dreaming of writing a letter to you. I am 17 again, in my school and I am with him. This will go on and I will wake up to wake up again, to be with him again and to be ditched by him again and to get united with him later only to be cheated again.
I don’t know what’s happening, don’t even know that if I am really 17 in real, whether I am Priya in real life. There are many questions that I don’t know.
I you’re reading this that means you’re in it and those who are reading this. You’re all in my dream, a figment of my imagination. What if you woke up like me to wake up again and again? It’s all a dream, realistic dream. Teenage is a crazy ride and I will write to you when I am 17 again. Till then love you strange reader……. “ Cuck-Cuck-koo, Cuck-Cuck-koo, Cuck-Cuck-koo”
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